It’s a question we’re asked as soon as we can give a verbal answer – what do you want to be when you grow up? My responses have gone from nurse to interior designer to stay-at-home mom to writer. But I think there’s more to that question than what job do you want to do. There’s the question of what kind of person do you want to be when you grow up? That’s the answer that I haven’t spent much time thinking about until now. Recently though I’ve started rethinking everything from what I want to do in my free time to what I believe about God. I’m trying to take a hard look at my motivation for the choices that I make in my life and make sure that, when possible, I’m the driving force behind those choices not any external forces.
It seems like it should be an easy task but in my nearly 50 years on this planet, I haven’t done much thinking for myself. Therefore it’s been a real struggle for me to get a commitment from myself on the answers to any of my questions. I’m a people pleaser with a stubborn streak and that makes life very interesting. In my 14 years of marriage, I often made the decision that X wanted me to make just to keep the peace and maintain my people-pleasing persona. But, I will admit, that I was just as likely to stand my ground on my way of doing something just to stand my ground and I didn’t always pick my battles wisely. Hence the undercurrent of regret that so often pulls me into depression.
What our parents teach us is one of the first ways we form the answers to the kind of person question. Being raised Baptist, I was given a pretty specific doctrine to live by and the Baptist are a pretty unforgiving lot when it comes to bucking the system. As soon as I had my first taste of alcohol and discovered the joys of dancing, the Baptist church didn’t seem the place for me. I’m still searching for the place for me when it comes to religion as evidenced by the eight books on spirituality in my self-help library.
There are also the simpler topics that swirl through my head. Am I watching this TV show because I enjoy it or because it’s a critical success and I feel like I should like it? Do I really enjoy Facebook and Twitter or did I bend to peer pressure to join? Do I really care if I don’t have much of a social life or am I at my core a homebody that is happiest staying in for the night?
When I got an iPod shuffle, I had the inscription “Be nobody but yourself” put on it. I’m slowly working my way towards the confidence that I can be myself but who knew how hard it would be to figure out who I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment